The Memory of You Still Lingers
by Indigo Murphy
Summary: Rose is fond of the new version of her Doctor, but is haunted by the memory of the man she came to love. She finds that sometimes, ties to the past help. (Underlying Ninerose post-regeneration fic)


It was always hard to keep track of time in her adventures, but Rose Tyler was fairly sure that it had been roughly two weeks since the most important man in her life had changed his entire body and left her with a heap of emotions to figure out. Their adventures had been limited since the regeneration, with mostly daily trips but many nights spent at the Powell Estate. Home, with her mother. To keep the ties strong… and for other reasons. Because Rose still wasn't entirely sure how she felt about the new Doctor yet. He was the same man, yes - just a different face, he said - but it was more than that. The way he walked, his flow of speech, even his voice was different.

The new Doctor was attractive to her - that Rose did have to admit. The beginnings of a girlish crush had quickly begun to flower in her stomach when he had winked at her that fateful Christmas. But she knew, although she blushed to think of it, that there was something behind the crush, underlying depths that had built over many months, tinder waiting to be sparked, a tiny glimmering flame that had flared in small forgotten moments that now repeated over and over again in Rose's mind. When she had stood in the TARDIS in that lovely old-fashioned dress and the Doctor had called her beautiful. When they had danced, not just around the console, but in that small quiet cell of a room, blissfully close to one another and all alone. Even their very first meeting, when he had grabbed her hand and a shock had gone through her as if she had known even then that he would change her life.

These memories tortured Rose in the lonely hours of the night, when one is left trapped alone with their thoughts, unable to find distraction from the worst concepts their brain could conjure. Rose always found that she overthought everything when she tried to sleep. During the day she could forget it all, lost in the smile of her new pretty boy Doctor, focusing only on the next puzzle they had to solve or the next planet they would visit. But it was in those deadly silent hours that Rose's anxieties and fears would return to her, beneath it all an underlying sense of grief and loss. This was ridiculous, of course - she hadn't lost anyone, not _really_ \- and yet she had. She had lost the man she cared about the very most, and she was never getting him back.

One night that Rose spent in her old apartment flat, she was struck by an idea. She slipped out of bed, slowly opened her bedroom door, and padded quietly out to the spare bedroom. After a few minutes of searching in the dark, she found what she was looking for tossed haphazardly in the corner. She knew as soon as her fingertips grazed the smooth material. The Doctor's old clothes had been discarded to be replaced with his snack-riddled pajamas, but nobody had considered doing anything with them.

Rose lifted the leather jacket in her hands and found the scent of it to be familiar. She hadn't realized it had a scent before now. It washed over her, startling in how it so easily brought a sense of comfort. It had an unexpected weight. Rose supposed she'd never considered it to be heavy. After just kind of standing there for a moment, Rose headed back to her room, walking with a new sense of caution, slightly embarrassed to consider explaining herself. When she was safely back in her room, she hugged the jacket close to her chest and sighed. Memories flooded her brain, some pointing out details that she hadn't even noticed the first time around. Little things like the way the Doctor had grabbed her hand when she had watched Pete die (the first time). Lasting glances. Hidden smiles. Things she had missed. All things she had taken for granted.

She didn't even realize she was crying until a single salty tear reached her lip. Then she just broke down. She liked the new Doctor. He was cute, funny, _addictive_ , and yet… the memory of her Doctor still lingered like a ghost. Rose sat on the edge of her bed, trying to muffle her sobs. She clutched the leather jacket, trying to calm herself and breathe deep, until another idea whispered in her ear.

Slowly, shyly, Rose slipped into the jacket. The weight was comforting on her shoulders, and the scent now surrounded her. It struck her as being alarmingly close to the actual sensation of hugging the Doctor. This concept confused her emotions, both relaxing and bittersweet. After letting herself cry a little longer, Rose tugged the leather jacket tighter around her and lay down, lifting a blanket over her but still wearing the jacket. She took in slow, measured breaths, and allowed herself to be enveloped in comfort. Calm settled over her and she fell into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
